Watch this...

I don't want to run...

...Just overwhelm me


Saw the Fray with Jack's Mannequin Friday night. It was a good show. Had a great time on the way back singing along to some N'Sync and mellowing out to some Regina Spektor after that. The rain on the 4th interrupted my plans of golf, but I was able to make it out Sunday, and again on Monday, so not all was lost.


I've found myself wishing I had someone to share more time with lately. I do a lot with a lot of different people, but it would be nice to have someone along the whole journey and not just bits and pieces. I've found myself becoming increasingly more lonely, despite the constant interaction I have with people. I've mentioned it before, but I crave change and well, it's time for another change, I'm just not too sure what it should be yet.

So, I'll just sit here and think, wondering all the while where my next steps should go. I'm not even sure I know where I want those steps to end up, which makes it difficult to know how to start. I'm happy by myself, really, but that doesn't mean I can't get lonely at times. I want quality time with someone and lately all I've had with anyone is quantity. And perhaps that's what draws me closer to some is when I get a glimpse of quality time, like what I think I had for awhile last week, I want more of that.

"The Lightning Strike" by Snow Patrol

Whati f this storm ends?
And I don't see you
As you are now
Ever again

The perfect halo
Of gold hair and lightning
Sets you off against
The planet's last dance

Just for a minute
The silver forked sky
Lit you up like a star
That I will follow

Now it's found us
Like I have found you
I don't want to run
Just overwhelm me

What if the storm ends?
And leaves us nothing
Except a memory
A distant echo

I want pinned down
I want unsettled
Rattle cage after cage
Until my blood boils

I want to see you
As you are now
Every single day
That I am living

Painted in flames
All peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me
That strikes relentless

I was thinking that if you know a way out...

Then I'd like to go with you

Life is good. Starting working out, that's made me feel better about myself and helped me have more energy and shed a few pounds, and more imporantly a few inches around the waist. Been very busy over the past few months between work, work, and the other work. Also been to 3 baseball games already, one of which was in New York, my first time there. And I've gone to 3 concerts so far too, the highlight so far of course being Nine Inch Nails in Chicago on May 29th. They had a great set, lots of old hits that the crowd loved.

The new Marilyn Manson album came out a few weeks ago...and wow is it shitty. I've heard better from local bands, seriously. On the brighter side it seems as though Our Lady Peace will really pull through for me with their upcoming album Burn, Burn. It releases July 21st and looks to be a hell of an album, which is good since it's been 4 years since their last. I highly encourage you all to go to http://www.ourladypeace.net/ to get a glimpse of how the new album will sound.

I've moved in with my sister which so far is going pretty well, not too surprised...but nice. I never really thought my attitude and physical health would impact me so much, but over the past few months I've really started to shape myself into the person I want to be...physically, emotionally, and morally. I honestly don't think I want my life to change all that much in the years ahead. I'm very much in a what happens, happens part of life and I'm enjoying it a lot. I know that I'm lucky to be where I am right now and that many people will never achieve the happiness I have or get the same opportunities to do all the things I do.

So here's the round-up of the year so far and what's on tap.

February - Started working out...about 2-4 times a week.
March - Started chiropractic treatment, helped me workout better and my back hurts less!
March 5-8 - Missouri Valley Conference Men's Basketball Tournament at Savvis Center, St. Louis MO
April 2 - Dashboard Confessional at the Shirk Center, Bloomington IL
April 3 - White Lies at the Double Door, Chicago IL
April 17 - Cardinals (7) vs. Cubs (8) at Wrigley Field, Chicago IL
May 14 - Padres (3) vs. Cubs (11) at Wrigley Field, Chicago IL
May 24 - Phillies (4) vs. Yankees (3) - 10 innings at Yankee Stadium, New York NY
May 29 - Nine Inch Nails at Charter One Pavilion, Chicago IL
June 25 - Cubs (5) vs. Tigers (6) at Comerica Park, Detroit MI
June 26-27 - Relay For Life at Normal Community West HS, Normal IL
June 27 - Our Lady Peace at SummerFest, Milwaukee WI
June 30 - Mets (3) vs. Brewers (6) at Miller Park, Milwaukee WI
July 3 - The Fray with Jack's Mannequin at Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre, Maryland Heights MO
July 12 - MLB Futures Game/Celebrity Softball Game at Busch Stadium, St. Louis MO
July 21 - Elton John & Billy Joel at Wrigley Field, Chicago IL
July 26 - Mayhem Fest featuring Marilyn Manson at First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre, Tinley Park IL
August 9 - Cardinals vs. Pirates at PNC Park, Pittsburgh PA
August 14 - Rent at Eastlight Theatre, East Peoria IL
August 21 - Our Lady Peace at The Fillmore, Detroit MI
August 22 - Our Lady Peace at The Vic, Chicago IL
August 25 - Modest Mouse at Aragon Ballroom, Chicago IL
August 28 - Nine Inch Nails at Aragon Ballroom, Chicago IL
August 29 - Nine Inch Nails at Aragon Ballroom, Chicago IL
September 13 - U2 & Snow Patrol at Soldier Field, Chicago IL
September 20 - Cubs vs. Cardinals at Busch Stadium, St. Louis MO
September 25 - Owl City at The Metro, Chicago IL
September 28 - Ben Folds at The Pageant, St. Louis MO
October 17 - Dethklok/Mastadon at Aragon Ballroom, Chicago IL
October 24 - Bears vs. Bengals at Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati OH

"Paper Moon" by Our Lady Peace

Comes a time when you get turned around, and
Life itself just wears you out, but
You keep getting ready for the big parade
Ah you shine your shoes and you fake a smile
Salute the players with that famous style, cause
Keepin up has kept you in chains

I was thinking that if you know a way out then I'd like to go with you
And we can burn out like candles under that paper moon

They just don't know anything at all
They just don't know anything at all

You'll fight traffic jams and big TVs, and
Hipsters trapped in their own irony, but
You'll finally think about settling down
Oh you quite your job and you sell your car
You'll burn your clothes and pray to the stars, cause
You swore to God that you'd never end up this way

I was thinking that if you know a way out then I'd like to go with you
And we can burn out like candles under that paper moon

They just don't know anything at all
They just don't know anything at all
At all
At all
At all
At all

Comes a time when you get turned around, and
Life itself just wears you out, but
You keep getting ready for the big parade

I can't love...

...can't hate these days.


The past few months have been interesting. Mostly good, some bad, some sad. It seems that when life seems to be going well things just jump on your back all at once until you fall down. That's where I am. Falling. I don't want to fall. I feel like I'm still stumbling trying to keep myself on my feet as best I can. When memories come and hopes disappear it makes it difficult.


This life that I have here needs to change. Something needs to change. I've started looking at jobs elsewhere again. I'm ready to go, I want to get out. Somewhere that I can be myself and live life how I want to live it. I feel like the world is spinning so fast out of control and if I don't jump ship soon I'll be stuck as it sinks.


I miss having adventure. I miss having a companion. I miss doing what I enjoy.


"Confessional" by Raine Maida


Just don't know what to say
I'm tongue tied, I'm a scatter brain
Can't eat, can't sleep these days
Staring out past the milky way


My head spins, my heart explodes
I'm a sheep in these wolf clothes
Sense on overload


These are my confessions
I write them on the wall
Obsessed with my obsessions
I'm not surprised at all


In need of some direction
Some expensive therapy
I emptied out my pockets
But the best things in life are free


Just don't know what to say
Oh God, make it all go away
I can't love, can't hate these days
Damn, I just want to be entertained


Been high and I've been low
The devil's here to take my soul
I can't take this anymore


These are my confessions
I write them on the wall
Obsessed with my obsessions
I'm not surprised at all


In need of some direction
Some expensive therapy
I emptied out my pockets
But the best things in life are free


Out there in the distance, a sunrise
Only for a moment, I'll rest these eyes
Oh, I sing but I'm dumb and it's a shame
Oh, I sing no one's won it's just a game


These are my confessions
I write them on the wall
Obsessed with my obsessions
I'm not surprised at all


In need of some direction
Some expensive therapy
I emptied out my pockets
But the best things in life are free
These are my confessions

I fold the letter...

...and think of a million and one things that I could have done different.

I was reminded of seeing old photographs today, while watching the movie "August," which was not bad, but not great either. So naturally I felt the need to go through and look through old photos. Bad idea. I had been doing pretty well, but perhaps that was all just because I've been too busy or drinking too much to really notice. I remember the struggles, but I also remember the smiles. I wish I had someone that could make me smile again. There have been few people in my life that have ever really been able to do that and most of them have moved on to other things or I've pushed away or a combination of the two. I've made some huge strides in being better and have shown to myself that I can do whatever I put my mind to. I just hope it's not too late.

I hope that someone else comes along that makes me smile when I see their face. Perhaps it's better off if the feelings weren't reciprocal, but that was all I needed. Seeing her smile was all I needed to see to make me smile. I desperately miss that and I want it back so much. I'm afraid now that I'm too busy to even have the option available though. Between working part-time at the Coliseum still, full-time at State Farm, and now owning a karaoke business I'm away from home 3-4 nights a week and every weekday. I'm not too sure that leaves much time for anything else. I have fun sometimes, like this past weekend, but it ends all too soon and makes me crabby because I stayed up too late having fun. I won't pretend to know what the answers are, but I understood the question sooner so I may not have to be looking for the answers now.

Oh well, I'm tired and nothing will come of this rant. Perhaps she'll read it, I know she comes here from time to time, perhaps she won't. It wouldn't make a difference any way or another, but I still miss you and wish our goals in life would lead us down a path that didn't already fork.

"Please Just Take These Photos From My Hand" by Snow Patrol

The yellowed page of the books and books I'd forgotten that I had
These paperbacks they know their age they smell of weight and time that's resting warm
The opened box beside the endless box parade that haunts my house
Is fit to split with photographs that tell the wanderlust of years smashed on to years

When all this actual life played out
Where the hell on Earth was I?
I rack my brains but it won't come

Through water damaged bloodshot eyes
The fleeting triumphs, brazen lies
All seem to mingle into one

I read your name under words in your elegant hand you probably don't mean now
I fold the letter and think of a million and one things that I could have done different

When all this actual life played out
Where the hell on Earth was I?
I rack my brains but it won't come

Through water damaged bloodshot eyes
The fleeting triumphs, brazen lies
All seem to mingle into one

One gigantic fairy tale
Of friends I haven't seen in years
Drinking 'til the daylight hurts